Man vs. Meat
I had just finished a successful week of meating it up at the Arnold Classic and headed to my sister Brittany’s apartment in Columbus, OH. We negotiated that I would take her to dinner in return for a place to sleep. “What are your food preferences for the night,” she inquired. Without hesitation, I involuntarily yelled “Meat!” I was asked to be more specific, and after great deliberation I decided on “piles of meat.”
Frustrated with my “piles of meat” idea, Brittany decided to beat me at my own game. I saw an idea taking shape in her head that was coupled with a diabolical glean in her eyes. “Ryan,” she said, “We’re going to the Thurman Café”
The Thurman Café? The same Thurman Café featured on the Travel Channel and a frequent place holder on numerous “top 10 burgers you should eat before you die” compilation lists. Ten seconds ago I was screaming for mountains upon mountains of meat, but now I thought I may have bitten off more than I could chew.
To make matters worse, my sister Brittany elaborated, “You think you can handle piles of meat huh? You claim you’re the Chief Eating Officer of Meat Gear. Well then put the burger where your mouth is.”
What started as a simple desire to have a nice, relaxing, meat-filled, dinner with my younger sister, turned into something much more. I was now putting my meat-hood on the line at one of the most notorious burger joints in the country, attempting to eat one of most infamous burgers in the history of grease. Could my stomach handle the sheer size of the burger? Would my arteries stop functioning after being flushed with the liquid fat I was about to inject into them? Would I get scared at the site of the Burger, and flee from the café as if I were a vegetable eating coward?
I walked to the mirror and had a deep meatitation. I looked at the man I had become and realized it was my duty as Chief Eating Officer to attempt to conquer the Thurman Burger, not only for myself, but for meatheads everywhere. My meatitation was interrupted by Brittany, who sputtered, “It’s a big burger. I’m not just telling you this for your health, it’s huge.”
This completely skewed my concentration to which I cried, “Sister! I know this. I’m not stupid…you don’t think I don’t know a big burger when I see one? I’m already scared enough so shut your damn mouth!”
She could sense the fear in my eyes and in my heart (my heart was seriously afraid it might stop beating) so she quickly changed her tone and simply stated, “Meat Speed brother, Meat Speed.”
As we drove over to the Café, my Meatitation continued. While waiting in line in Therman’s hallway entrance, I speculated that this is what purgatory must feel like: either I could handle the burger from heaven and bask in its greasy glory and greatness, or its sheer size would torture my digestive process like a brimstone and fire burger from the darkest depths of eternal hell.
This period of waiting also reminded me of my old tough man days. Before our matches, all the fighters were placed in a sweat-filled locker room that was as hot as a sauna and reeked of both trepidation and pure alpha male sweat. Every fighter stared into the eyes of every other fighter trying to size them up and psyche them out. The same was true at the Thurman Café. An intimidating sign read, “Drinks may be enjoyed in the lobby while ye prepare to get ‘Thurmanized.’” I could sense the nervous energy of the other burger combatants as they tried to not only size up the other patrons, but also their inner burger consuming being. From my old tough man days, I remembered that the man who kept to himself and displayed a quite calmness and confidence had the most success, so I sat in the corner and pondered the feat of meat that lay before of me.
Soon they called our number and we entered the café. I could see all eyes upon me as I entered the feeding area. The waitress arrived and she asked what I wanted. Without hesitation, I asked for the ultimate burger, the Thurman Burger. She asked if my stomach was ready, and I looked her in the eyes. Was I ready? Up until this moment, this burger and I were walking parallel to each other through the sands of time- yet only now did we realize that we were destined to meat on this day at this time in this burger joint to determine if was man enough to deserve such a meating. I better be ready.
After I placed my order, I caught a Thurman Burger on the plate of another burger combatant out of the corner of my eye. What had I done? Had I gone mad?
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the Thurman Burger was placed on table with a resounding “Thud.” As it sat in front of me, I noticed a subtle yet powerful circle of shining rays surrounding the burger while the sounds of a beautiful harp resonated in my mind.
The Thurman Burger is composed of a three-quarter pound patty of ground beef that is topped of to the tee. On top of the burger is lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, sliced sautéed mushrooms, pickle, jalapeno slices, mayonnaise, and don’t forget a half-pound mini mountain of sliced ham. Next, it’s covered with mozzarella and American cheese and finished off with a toasted bun.
My sister suggested that I cut the burger in half but I decided to just dig in!
I put all my prior tough man skills to the test. My first career fight I came out swinging and was quickly gassed. This time, I wasn’t planning on being gassed until after the fight was over. I paced myself and worked the body of the burger first…if you work the body, the bun will follow. Thurman quickly stunned my vision with a swift onion blow to the left eye. Next, I could feel my sinuses clog as Thurman smacked me with a jalpeno slice shot to the nose. He was pulling out all the stops but I recovered and began tearing into the ham. In between rounds, I regained my composure by pounding water and stuffing my mouth with French Fries.
In the last round, I could feel my belt tightening and my arteries churning. I was able to finish all the toppings and meat from the Thurman Burger but had to throw in the towel on the bread. When my sister questioned my meat-hood I quickly informed her that I was the CEO of MEAT gear not BREAD gear, so I did not feel quite as inclined to finish all the trimmings.
In the end, I’ll give this round to Thurman although I was very pleased with my efforts. After concluding the burger our waitresses commented, “Our customers start skinny but don’t end up that way.” I do know one thing: I didn’t start skinny but I did end up sleeping. Cheers to you Thurman Burger, you put up one hell of a fight.
